Tuesday, January 31, 2012

How to train a cat

How to train a cat.
Lesson 1: Get treats the cat likes and hold them in front of the cat but just out of reach. Tell cat to sit. Tell cat to sit again. And again, and again and again.
Give cat treat as it is cute the way she switches her tail when she looks at you.
Get another treat. Tell cat to sit. Sit. Put your hand at the cat's hind quarters with gentle pressure to encourage a sitting position. Whoops, cat got the treat from your other hand.
Get another treat. Try again. Sit. No, don't climb on the furniture. Hey! Off the Drapes! Get squirt bottle. Spray cat for bad behavior. Notice cat has retreated to kitchen counter where you were keeping the treats. Try to get bag of treats away from cat. Squirt cat again. Let go of bag of treats to stop bleeding on your arm from where she swatted you. Wash and bandage wound. Pick up pieces of shredded plastic from the treat bag off the counter, floor, chair, and rug.
Scream as cat jumps from top of fridge onto your head. Try to sooth her so she does not rip out anymore hair. Get on the ground hoping she will get bored and let go on her own.
Grab beer from fridge as you dial the on call nurse to determine if you need stitches. Give cat a treat as she is now sitting nicely and purring next to you on the kitchen floor while licking the blood from your face.
Lesson 2: Get a dog.